My journey from Kitty to performer...

It has been so long between posts that I can't even remember what the last post was actually about! Yes, I have been slack with my blog post writing.

However I have been very busy doing other things to keep me occupied, so much so that if I actually had a payed job to go to I don't know how I would find the time.

These other things include taking my Class Burlesque Tease classes and wait for it, working on my first routine!

Six weeks ago my friend , Tom Vogel advertised that he was bringing his Burlesque nights back and myself wanting to actually move from Kitty gigs to Performer gigs put my hand up and even told him I was working on a routine. I was so not, I had not even chosen a song yet.

I figured it would not be that hard but boy, was I wrong. Its not that it is hard really, it is just really time consuming and if you are a perfectionist and a stress head, as I am it is easy to take it too seriously and drive yourself bananas in the process.

By the first week I was researching bump and grind traditional music but I figured that I was no ready to go full classic yet as it is my first time and I felt more comfortable using a song with words that I can play on.

So off to You Tube I went and I watched videos of classics like Betty Page for her faces and Tempest Storm for her original but classic moves. Later on in the process of doing the choreography I realized that I liked the sexiness of Jessica Rabbit and more recently after watching My Week With Marilyn I was once again inspired to add a bit of mystery and cuteness to it. And some pin up poses. I had my song chosen, Fever by Peggy Lee.

I thought I knew what I was going for in the first couple of weeks and perhaps took it all a bit too lightly as I tried to put moves together and came out with a routine that was too stiff and had no passion. I found it so difficult to dance at home with my dad in the other room that I was getting so stressed dancing in a tiny space between my wardrobe and bed where I could not even fit in my mirror.

Every spare second that my dad wasn't home I would sneak into the living room and practice or I would attempt to practice at my boyfriend's house, that was another epic fail as I got too distracted.

Last week, with two weeks to go I had a total melt down. I crashed and burned so hard because I had no idea what I was doing and I wanted to try and try some more that I snapped and I wanted to pull out. My routine really did look average, not a show stopper at all. Of course my boyfriend, Ivan kept saying I would be great but he also said that I need to relax and just have fun with it.

At that point I was in tears and the routine consumed my every thought, so much so that I could not concentrate or enjoy watching a movie, complete my dance classes when they came up and at some points I was not eating.

After crying in Ivan's arms and getting it out of my system, the next day I worked on it again and I changed the start and from last week on I have been building my routine.

Who would have thought that in two weeks I had put together a routine. I gave myself till last Thursday to have it done as I had a rehearsal at the venue booked for 5.30pm. There was no escaping  it now but there was no need to worry either. The routine looked great on stage.

The first time I stepped up on the stage during that rehearsal I was stiff, it wasn't so great and I started to freak out a little as there was going to be an audience there in front of me, watching! Sounds silly but I don't want to freeze once I get on stage, I want to own it!

I had my costume on, my sparkly green dress, heels and ratty old stocking plus my gloves. Still unsure what I am wearing for the reveal but I will shop on pay day. Anyway the second time I rehearsed I was better but the third time I was fantastic, what a feeling. It was so good to nail it and get a feel for the stage.

Ivan was recording it and my friend, Dominka who came in on the second attempt was yelling stuff at me, mostly about my expressions and my movement which helped a lot. I walked off the stage so happy that it felt so good and looked amazing, I know so as I watched the video back and it was great.

I took three days off after that due to work and keeping order at the place I am house sitting, thank goodness for the private space the place I am sitting gave me as I don't know how or where I would have rehearsed, certainly not at home with my dad there.

My mum also does not approve but I wonder if I should show her the video of the show ? That I am still unsure of. The joys of being Maltese and wanting to be a showgirl, bringing shame to the family name and doing something so wrong. To hell with it I say, I just want to dance and I am not hurting anyone (not intentionally anyway).

Last night I was back to rehearsing, this time over at Dominka's place as she wanted to help me straighten things out. We got through an hour and a half of her cracking the whip and me dancing like a trained monkey, over and over again till I was out of breath and sweating like I had run a marathon. The funny thing was that the routine didn't come to life till I started to exaggerate the moves and the faces, then it looked spectacular. This was Dominka's idea. She is a trained hula hooper and will be performing on the night also.

This week I will spend time hunting for a undergarment for my costume and rehearsing over and over again, all this in between another house move and a night of work. The last thing I want is another meltdown before I get on stage! Lets hope not. My fear is that I will freeze and miss a section or not smile at all, become expressionless.

The feeling at this stage with five days to go is hopeful , excited, confident, scared and a little frantic. I have a lot to do before Sunday that does not include getting ready and I must try to focus on my performance. I just want it over with so I can relax.

This is it, Sunday is my time to shine. Stay tuned for a follow up report!   

Good Vibrations

I have just finalized my list of 5 positive affirmations and I even went to the effort to type them out on my computer and play with the font and it’s all over look. If I owned a printer I would print it, and pin it on my wall as that was the whole purpose of the affirmations in the first place. These affirmations are written for me to look at every morning and say it to myself out loud till I believe my own bullsit.

Here is the thing though; I have fed myself bullshit for so long that I have started to believe it. All the negative stuff I have told myself has been eating me up because I allowed myself to say it to myself in the first place; so much that I started to believe it.

So this in fact means that these positive affirmations are not bullshit at all, just good stuff to be feeding yourself as they are true but you just need to reinforce it in your brain.  If can feed myself negatives for so long and believe it then doing the same with the positive affirmations makes them food for thought and in fact healthy eating. We all know the saying, You are what you eat"!.

This new way of thinking has come about since I started talking to my boyfriend who for about a year has been into meditation which incorporates different strategies, such as reflecting on what we are grateful for in our lives and positives.

Then this led to life coaching which he too recommended, all great ideas I must say.  My boyfriend also recommended I read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and I spent all day a few weeks ago sitting on the lounge in Eltham reading away like time actually did not exist, in reality it doesn’t, we create it.  You will understand what I mean if you read the book. That moment reading the book actually came about from the universe as I found it on the bookshelf amoungst thousands of books owed by the Philoshper/Artist for whom I was House Sitting at the time.

 The universe was looking out for me as all I wanted to do was make some changes to my current situation and it kept throwing signs at me. It interviened again when I decided to hunt for a “stop gap job”, which for me meant working retail jobs, which I have minimal interest in, (if you ask the people already in retail, minimal experience in).

After an hour or so I started to get down as I was receiving mixed responses and no promise of a job trial, some wouldn’t take my resume. I wandered down Brunswick Street, half deflated like a balloon twisted poodle slowly running out of air, tail between legs touching and dragging along the floor as I walked and sulked.

Then I saw it, written in coloured whiteboard markers on a sandwich board outside this tiny light filled store, “Free positive thinking course, enrol today”. Wow, thank you universe, I now felt a little better from that tiny amount of hope that sign offered.

I walked in and spoke to the woman who talked to me about meditation and positive energies before she sent me up to the ‘silent room’ for 5 minutes of meditation.

The first session of the four week course was on this Tuesday just past with the speaker being a middle aged man named Glen.  I really enjoyed it and I took so much from that class as it actually reinforced what ‘The Power of Now’ tells the reader, so some of it I had been familiar with.

We learnt a whole lot of new information and the part I liked the most when Glen spoke about where the negative energy comes from and how we build it within ourselves. Glen told us that when we bring up something from our past, say an argument with a friend we had 2 years ago that makes us furious, this brings up the feeling associated with that event and in turn it feeds our emotions, which brings us down and turns our attitude sour and the atmosphere we give out is negative.

This really makes sense for me as a few years ago I was told that I give out negative vibes from a person who did not know me so well. Looking back at this time I realised that this was a period of my life when I held a lot of anger towards others, I was very inward as a person and I really wasn’t sure about who I was as a person at all.

The class finished off with a short meditation where we reflected on what was said and before we left the class we were told to go home and write down  three things which we were grateful for and five personal affirmations.

Since attending the class, most nights before bed I get my notebook out and write three posititives for the day and reflect on the feelings associated with each positive written on the page. From doing this I have found that I am thinking more positively as it makes the negatives seem unimportant as the positive feelings make me feel confident and sure of myself and my unique abilities. 

I am looking forward to the next class and the rest of the course as I want to know what else Glen has to share with us. One day I will be able to sit still enough to meditate and I hope that from this course that I can learn to keep my mind still and in time find my inner peace. I know that meditation is a special practice, one that takes time to master and as you learn how to practice it to find your peace you keep learning and growing as you delve deeper into yourself.

The biggest challenge for me is to stop all this self criticism and worrying about what others may think of me ( mostly all in my mind as people to self obsessed to notice what others are doing)  and from there I will learn accept myself and in time find my peace.

 I am learning so much and enjoying my new outlook immensely and this will mean no more sad and depressed blog posts... Hmmm then what will I write about if I don’t have must to windge about!!!

Back to Basics

As adults we all know about the innocence of a child and that children are carefree, fearless warriors who let nothing stop them. They will climb a tall tree and fall down, but they get back up, they will wear a clown costume to the grocery store without worrying about the fact that nobody else is doing the same and they will dance in a park when they hear music they like without thinking twice.

Yes children laugh in the face of danger, and dance like nobody is watching. Most of all , they don't care about what other people think of them. This is of course due to their innocence and because at a young age they know no better, of course they are not aware of what society is and that people are judgemental.

The fearless child takes on tasks which feel right to them, like second nature. In time a natural progression in a specific task develops and if the child is in an environment where these natural skills can be nurtured and developed further then you get a child that is on the right track and sure of what they should be doing to make them content .

Of course life gets in the way, it happens to all us fearless children. We somehow become Eve in the Garden of Eden after she has taken that dreaded bite from that forbidden apple. After that bite we are thrusted into adulthood and like Eve, into an unknown world where we are no longer able to run as wild and free as we would like. To be nude and exposed with all our flaws on show is impossible as we are now aware that people are looking at us, judging us and we lose most of our carefree nature to some extent, some more then others .

But what if we went back to basics? What if we said to society, "I don't care ?" Well some of us do say that, and then there are the rest of us that have lost most of that innocent child and just prod along though life with this fear of failure following us, this fear that we are being watched and our actions judged. We also walk around not knowing what we are meant to be in this lifetime, what our purpose in life is. I am quite surprised actually that it has taken me this long to realise that if I go back to basics, back to what I loved to do and what I was a 'natural' at as a child, then there lies my happiness.

Speaking from experience, the road less travelled is in fact a great journey and as the well known saying goes, it is not the final destination that counts but more important is the way you got there. I am happy to keep discovering what makes me happy and to keep learning is a thrill for me, but of late I have been feeling like I have lost that inner child along the way. Perhaps I have stopped to smell the roses for too long a time and veered way off track somewhat, or perhaps I been lured by the temptation of money and what material objects it can buy me. All this side stepping of ones path is fine but only for a short time and if you are aware of such a fact then you can snap out of it and re-focus your energy to what really counts, your true happiness.

Looking back at myself as a child  I was a number of things; a circus acrobat, a showgirl who loved cabaret performance, a painter, a photographer, a make up artist, a costume wearing 'freak' (depending on who you speak to), a wardrobe person who created costumes out of scraps and a dancer.

I find this refection very ironic as I am only truly happy now when I am creating something or building on a film set, making and sourcing a prop, hunting though vintage and op shops, building my image with makeup and fashion, attending a burlesque or cabaret show, piecing together my costume ( for my stage alter ego, Lady Kalypso) working as a stage Kitty at shows and sketching my ideas for personal projects or for film.

Just recently I put this theory of returning to my childhood happiness to my life coach, who I don't know very well and I must say when I first started to express my theory to him I had a small inkiling in my mind that he would think I was a utter nutter, that he would refer me to a psychologist. I have already been to see one of those years ago, a psychologist and I only found that the problems I had were due to others, not myself as I am perfectly fine as I am.

My life coach did no such thing, no referrals just a reply which contained great complements and at that point I realised that I am much smarter then I sometimes give myself credit for. The theory that I had come up with or as I call it, my "light bulb" moment was not so far fetched after all. The idea of going back to ones childhood to find what is right for us in our adult life or more so what truely makes us happy is a technique used by NLP coaches.

For those of you wondering what NLP stands for, here it is :Neuro Linguistic Programing. According to Wikipidia Neuro Linguistic Programing is, and I quote; "an approach to communication, personal development, and psychotherapy...which refers to a stated connection between the neurological processes, language and behavioral patterns that have been learned through experience and can be organized to achieve specific goals in life".

Makes perfect sense, at least I think so anyway. OK, it makes sense if you read it slowly and a couple of times over. I have attached the link at the end for those who want to read up further on the subject or need to read it over again.

It is interesting to read and if you need a modern example can I get you to do your homework by reading the lyrics to Lady Ga Ga's song "Born this way". Still on Ga Ga, I read somewhere that when she was a child performing her teacher asked her what her plans were for her future and she replyed with "world domination".

Wow, postive thinking , a strong will, and a persistant attitude plus a passion and then running  with what you were born with and excelling in what you did as a child worked for her. Good on her that she stuck with it, I am sure she must have wandered off her path at some point, worked the crappy job to get by, she muct have also had the day or two when she didn't have cash to eat as lavishly as she does now. Artists everywhere will relate to me on that one, we stuggle not becuase we want to because we have to as we see the bigger picture, we can see our potential.

As I continue to walk my path and seek my way though the darkness like a blind person without a cain so too do I continue to grow, and I get stronger and more hungry to see the light. It can be scarey being my age and still be walking this path but it gives me great hope to know that I feel more like that out there kid I once was this year of my life then ever before. Through my teens I was lost and hiding, like a turtle in her shell, I was surrounded by negitives and unable to find positives as I was unsure if I was a turtle at all. If only I had stuck my head out sooner, accepted myself for who I was then I would not be sitting her writing this.

Accepting that that child lives inside me makes me feel alive again, being me and being happy for the first time in a long time is enough to push me further, enough to get my tierd legs moving and walking down that path and towards me goal. I would not change who I am for anything as who I am is beautiful and the sooner I can say that to myself and mean it the sooner I can acheive my own world domination. I have always felt greatness withn myself  as a child and I plan to again. I feel reborn and this time I am not wasting anymore years in hiding, cause baby I was born this way.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_psychotherapy#Neurolinguistic_Psychotherapy_.28NLPt.29

Loreal Melbourne Fashion Festival opening - from a kitten's point of view

Last night my stage kitten self was fortunate enough to be involved in the Loreal Melbourne Fashion week opening official after party at Alumbra, thanks to Artifex Productions for whom I was working for on the night.

The theme of the show was Burlesque as the show was also titled as such and two shows ran thoughout the night, the first one was on at 9pm and the second half was at 10.30pm. Performers on the night were the lovely ladies of the Melbourne burlesque scene Jasper Jewel and Miss Burlesque VIC Strawberry Siren along with the super talented Patricia Sidesplitter who mesmerised us with her singing voice combined with pole work. Host on the night was the amazing Anna Burgess who wore the most amazing custom made suede jacket and managed to get a group of men to do an improptu strip tease between acts.

On arrival at Alumbra there were corsets aplenty thanks to Kate (aka Patrica Sidespilitter) and outfits to mix and match and it was so much fun to mash it up and try different looks. By the end of the night I had almost more costume changes then Madonna, well OK I only had three as that is how much time would allow between shows and roving the pavement outside. My favorite was a dark green and corset with black lace and I teamed it with a black tu tu skirt just for a kooky mix, which I thought looked amazing together, and was totally Lady Kalypso's style.

After sorting out costumes amongst myself and the three other roving burlesque beauties in Alumbra's upstairs bar area, we were shown the ropes by Kate and Rod or Artifex Productions, entrance doors, bathroom we can use, stage position and then we were walked outside to check out the car park which had been turned into a concrete arena for the after party complete with food stalls and a main stage for the DJ.

Once the briefing was over we all headed to the bathroom to transform into our beautiful burlesque babes attire and once we were dolled up to perfection, drink card giveaways in hand, we hit the fashion hungry scene outside and worked our magic as best we could to the tough crowd.

I must say, walking around though that crowd with my fellow burlesque beauties was interesting as most did not know what to make of us women dressed in costumes, complete with feathers, fans, corsets and fishnets. Most were well dressed and the style was not my cup of tea but I am sure that their outfits cost them a lot of pennies, just as top labels do. It was a mix of the high fashion but thrown is was a few quirky individual styles which I appreciated more then the mainstream that flooded the event. My fashion crazy friend Tina in Sydney would have had a ball walking round seeing the fashion that was on show.

The highlight for me had to be the lovely and perfect Dita Von Tesse who made a surprise visit to the opening night, she walked right past me and I almost died! Perfection is exactly what that women is, my style and business icon right there in the flesh and what beautiful pale white flesh it was. She was wearing a teal long sleeve fitted dress that went to the knees I think and the colour of the dress looked so beautiful in contrast to her raven black hair and pale face. Of course she had her lips painted red and her hair was an art form in itself. I can't believe that she does here own styling, now that is something to aspire to, something that is rare these days.

After the shock of seeing Dita, the rest of my night was spent in Alumbra fulfilling my stage kitty duties and for those who do not know what I specialise in, a stage kitty is basically the bridesmaid to the performer who is the bride. I stand in the wings and make sure everything for their performance runs smoothly. I am the one who has to work backstage behind the curtain and collect costumes as they come off, set props on stage as to the run sheet , clean up the stage of any spills from raunchy wet performances and also hand props to the performers on stage if needed. I am hardly seen but my role is very important.

Last night was a lot of running up and down stairs and though bars to get to the green room/bathroom upstairs to hand props and clothes back to the performers but the vibe was really layed back the whole night and it was the easiest and probably most interesting kitty gig I have had in my short but fantastic career.  If you can call it that.

I know, I am taking this new role to unexpected heights but if you love doing something then why not give it 110% each time and do your job properly whether it is a volunteer gig or a payed one, that is beside the point as the passion still has to be there. To me a stage kitty gig is a time to have fun, mingle with people, help out artists, wear great costumes, meet inspiring performers, help out friends and make new contacts.

I would like to take this moment to announce that I am also now, a cigarette girl and stage kitten for a new show in St Kilda titled Peekaboo Follies. Next show is in April and it is a permanent gig for me, once a month.

When I completed a modelling course in my teens along with my younger sister who went off to model overseas, I had no desire to be a model as I felt I did not fit into the mold of the mainstream. I am glad that I have continued not to and that I have embraced that I am a little different as it is working for me. I can not wait to walk into Peekboo and bring the 1940's back to Melbourne in fabulous vintage fashion, I am so happy with life right now as I am finding where I truly belong and being me is not so strange after all.



Note: Image used in this blog is was taken by Ange of 3FATESMEDIA and is copyright in all ways and forms

Only The Lonely

The one piece of information that I remember from Psychology class in high school is the five fears that people have in their lifetime.  I don’t know why I remember this fact, I guess I may have found it very interesting at the time but anyway it is embedded there in my head along with all the other useless facts that I randomly pull out at the most inappropriate time. 

So what are the five fears you ask? Saying that I remember them may have been a little too smart, I only remember that the fear of dying was in the list, but it was not first as it was overtaken for first place by the fear of being alone.

For someone who was a loner through primary school and then grew up to find that she was too awkward and strange to relate to people and build positive relationships in high school , I believe that perhaps this number one fear has stuck in my head as it was something I could relate to.

Since my awkwardness has not left me in my adulthood I still live with the fear or being alone and I can’t stand being alone for too long a period of time. I don’t mind being alone when I am in a creative head space as I am in the zone and I need time and quiet to get my ideas out. This is the one state of mind I love to be in, thank goodness I am an artist.

I am sure that there are those out there who get anxious and sad at the thought of having no plans with friends for a whole week and in turn feel isolated.  I am also sure I must not be the only one who is scared that one day they may be old and grey, and alone. Since that list of five fears exists then there is no way that I am the only one feeling and thinking this way.

It must be more of a problem these days as with new technology comes less time for face to face human contact and people don’t even call to make plans, they send a Facebook message or if you’re lucky you will get a text, then 20 texts later you have decided where to meet, what you’re going to do, the time and what the dress code is.

Many nights lately since moving back to Melbourne I have been alone and bored sitting in my room logged into my Facebook account and watching the hours tick away even though I know that my life would be better enriched if I went for a walk, did yoga or read a book.

 Talking to people though Facebook sort of makes me feel like I belong, when I comment on someone’s status we start a conversation and share ideas and it is fun to chat to people when they pop up as ‘online’.

Then I think how sad it is. All these people on chat, why can’t we all meet in a room, wouldn’t that be more rewarding and could it be possible that they are all lonely tonight like me? They may be, but they may not know that they are, they may not worry about it or have that over thinking problem and anxiety I have which convinces me that I am and will always be alone in a world of many.

Then there is Valentine’s Day, the day that single people are forgotten and loved up couples are celebrated which adds to the loneliness for some. Valentine’s Day just came and went and yes, I spent it alone at home and didn’t get up to much at all, I was alone with my thoughts and alone in all ways really. I would like to know if there is actually a day where single happy people are celebrated for their independence and if we can just have one day of self love for singles.

Even though I don’t like the feeling of being alone and I do sometimes wake up in my bed and sigh as I have nobody in there with me I am learning to be content with the freedom I have at the moment. I am also feeling a little lonely as I am not working so I am not getting that social interaction from a work environment. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that not all singletons are lonely, I don’t believe that as even people in committed romantic relationships get lonely.  Loneliness can happen to anyone even someone with a thousand friends, a big family or a loving partner and children.

Since moving back to Melbourne I have found that I am the one who has changed and my attitude towards my situation has changed. Thank goodness for that as my phone is not ringing hot with offers of social outings , which is what I expect but as always I  am the one to make the plans and organise and call my friends. To be honest I think that is kind of lame as friendship should be two sided. My Facebook profile on the other hand has been quite busy to some extent and that is not a great thing but it is something you can’t avoid and you find yourself going along with it!

To get out of this rut and stop being mad at people who don’t make an effort I have, since moving back been putting myself though the Meet Ups process to meet new people with similar interests and expand my social circle. Meet Ups is site that has groups you can join by searching and from there  you join and see what events you want to go to with this group. I must say it is a great idea and just last week I went out to breakfast with a lovely bunch of woman and I plan to keep attending and hopeful build strong friendships in the future.

I don’t think that I will ever get over the fear I have of being alone and the anxiety I feel when I am hanging out on my lonesome at home. It is something that has been conditioned in my head from a young age and I am learning to deal with it alone and in my own way.

W hen you think about it, we are all really alone in the world to some extent and the only person we can really depend on is ourselves. We don’t need another human being to make us happy; we have to be happy with ourselves in order to radiate our positive energy to the world.

 If you wait on others to make you smile and to enrich your life you will be waiting forever for that phone to ring or that Facebook event to pop up on your wall. You have to get out there, find happiness within yourself and live life and every day.  I have been riding solo to many events over the years both as a single lady and also as coupled up lady. I gave up waiting for people to join me years ago as I used to sit at home and get sad about it, my teenage years were spent that way locked in my room alone due to lack of invitations. Although I am still lonely now, I am getting better and my confidence is picking up, some people find it weird that I head out to events alone but you do what you have to do.

Now if you will excuse me, I am heading to my empty bed with my cup of green tea and a coconut ball for company.